Just Keep Smiling

Just keep smiling girls...and totally disregard the fact that your sister is screaming bloody murder. We need to get a cute shot of you in the snow, damn it!

Excused Absence

Dave and I are what you might call non practicing Catholics. There was a time when we did attend church regularly, but as we had more and more children, we went less and less frequently. The recent Christmas Eve mass just illustrates why we have been absent in church for the past several years. Even with my parents and brother to help out, it was quite the experience.

Several minutes into a very crowded service, Alexa decided to take a dump. With at least an hour of church left, Dave had no other option but to fight his way through the crowded pew, through the hordes at the back of the church, into the freezing parking lot to change a stinky diaper. And, if you know my children, it doesn't take a lot space for them to get injured. A little while later, Ricky pokes me and with a look of alarm informs me that Alison is bleeding. Yes, she has managed to somehow scratch her cheek in the 1 foot x 1 foot space between pews and neighboring parishioners. As I scramble to find something to staunch the blood, the nativity play starts. I'm relieved because hopefully it will hold everyone's attention for a bit. It does, but Alison is very concerned that someone is going to DIE in this play, and says so very, very loudly. And much like anything they are bored with, like long car rides and grown up conversations, Alison asks several times in a loud voice, "Is this almost over? Can we go home now? I'm bored!"

Hopefully, in a few years, we can make a return to church, but I think for now we'll have to be absent. (And I think Father Matthew would thank us for that!)

Where's Waldo?

As the parent of three children, you soon realize that the last child often gets the very short end of the stick. As an example, Amanda has at least half a dozen photo albums that contain only pictures of her, Alison has maybe one or two, Alexa...we've yet to send those pictures to Costco to be printed.

Today, we were in a real rush to make it to our halau potluck on time. We had run to the grocery store and then to Mc Donalds to pick up lunch. Dave and I rushed inside, each carrying armloads of bags. I started cooking for the potluck and Dave set the girls at the table to eat when he looked at me and asked, "Where's Alexa?" I thought he was joking. Unfortunately, he was not. We had left her strapped in her carseat in the driveway. Now, before you call CPS, she was only there for a couple minutes, tops. But still, it's a sad commentary on the life of the youngest child.

On the bright side, when she goes through her teenage rebellion, we will be too weary and jaded by the older two to give her much of a fight. Go ahead, Alexa, get that tattoo.

Deal Breaker

At the ripe old age of 3, Alison has now had two "boyfriends". The first was a cute little guy named Alex who was super shy but for some reason took a shining to my little social butterfly. Today as we were leaving school, though, Alison called out to a different little lad, "bye-bye Braeden!" His reply, "bye-bye Alison, I love you!" When I asked Alison what had happened to the other love of her life, Alex, she responded, "He picks his nose." Apparently, that is a big deal breaker in preschool.

Mommy's Law

I'm sure most of you are familiar with Murphy's Law, the adage that "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong." If you don't have children, you might be less familiar with the somewhat similar Mommy's Law.

Some examples of Mommy's Law:

Late for an appointment, mommy rushes to get her children ready to go. With only seconds to spare, she rounds everyone up and herds them towards the door. Victorious! But then she picks up the baby, and an unmistakable smell wafts from the diaper that's too odorifous to ignore. Crap. Late again.

In a spurt of unusual energy, mommy cleans everyone's room and changes the sheets on all the beds. A few hours later at naptime, someone has a pee pee accident and the sheets that have never been slept in are ripped off and thrown in the wash.

Mommy decides to wear a nice black shirt out in public. Looking down a long while later, she notices that there is a trail of snot slime along her shoulder and arm where someone has decided to use as a kleenex.

Yes, these are all true examples of Mommy's Law, and yes, they have all happened to me...today.

Classic Conditioning

Dave and I have tried to no avail to motivate the girls to pick up after themselves. We've tried rewarding them, bribing them, and of course threatening them. As a last resort, Dave has turned to the dreaded "black trash bag" method. After countless warnings, Dave swoops into a room with the evil bag and tosses anything and everything left out into the bag. The girls scream, cry, and clutch at the bag, promising to finally clean up.

It appears, our youngest, Alexa, has learned the lesson well. Much like Pavlov's dogs came at the ringing of a bell, when Dave opened the dreaded black bag tonight, she came screaming and clutching at the bag. Tonight, however, was garbage night, and the only things to be saved were a bunch of poopy diapers and moldy leftovers. Maybe Alexa has learned her lesson a little too well.

Never Say Never

Dave and I have learned the hard way to never say never. Before we were parents, there were lots of things we said we'd never do. Never leave a huge mess at our table when eating out. Never give in to a crying child. Never use candy as a bribe. Never let the baby sleep in our bed. Needless to say, we are careful about what we say now because we will likely be proven hypocrites given enough time and the right circumstance.

This morning was a prime example of this. For thirty-four years I have managed to avoid the marketing ploy called "Black Friday". The idea of giving up sleep and a warm bed to wait in line during the coldest part of the morning had no appeal to me. There wasn't a big enough T.V, hot enough video game system, or cheap enough appliance that would see me out and about at that ungodly hour...until this morning.

Yes, I was one of the hoardes who stumbled out of bed at an insane time, fumbling around in the dark for my clothes and car keys. And what was this item that had turned me into a hypocrite yet again? It wasn't a million inch LCD TV for $300 dollars, or a washer dryer duet for 50% off...no it was this:

What had turned me into a hypocrite was a small, fake hamster called a Zhu Zhu pet. Retail price: $9.00, black market price: $56.37, the loss of my integrity yet again: priceless.

The Grass is Always Greener

Alison's attends preschool three days a week from 9am until noon. Up until recently, all the kids needed to be picked up at noon. Due to parental demand, however, the school started offering extended care from noon until 2pm. Since I stay home with the girls, Dave and I did not sign her up for extended care. We've always felt like no one could care for our children the way I could, and so we have sacrificed so that I could stay home with them during their formative years.

As we left school today at noon, Alison looked back at the friends that were staying and asked me why they weren't going home. I responded that they were staying for lunch because their mommies were too busy to pick them up right now. Alison looked at me for a minute and asked, "Mommy, can you be busy too tomorrow?"

Nice to know that our sacrifices for the greater good are so well appreciated!

We've Created a Monster

Being the sub-par parents that we are, Dave and I have allowed Amanda and Alison to each have a tiny T.V. in their rooms. This is mainly to ward off the rude awakenings we were getting on weekends at 6am. Both the televisions are not hooked up to cable, and so are at the mercy of the antenna perched on top of each one. Luckily, even without cable, we have been able to find a 24 hour kids channel. Unluckily, the kids channel has liberal showings of infomercials.

Alison has lately been extolling the virtues of various products with the enthusiasm of the "Sham-wow" guy. At dinner the other night, she tried convincing her aunt that she really needed the 'Bumpit' so that her hair would be "fluffy" and she wouldn't be ugly. She later told Dave and I that she really wished she could get a Snuggie for Christmas. Apparently, you can do anything in a Snuggie AND it comes with matching socks with "little white bumps" on the bottom! According to her, I am also in dire need of the Buxton Bag because you can "even fit a water bottle in there"! And of course, we really, really need to grow tomatoes...upside down!

At first, I didn't understand why a 24 hour kid channel would be showing infomercials. My kids certainly don't have access to a credit card. Now, of course, I understand all too well. While Dave and I can change the channel if an infomercial comes on while we're watching television, we've yet to find an "off" button on our children.

All About the Attitude

Amanda is one of those kids who is an overachiever and perfectionist. This is great when it comes to anything school related. She is one of those kids teachers don't worry too much about and often seat next to "trouble" students to help bring them into line. I know, because as a teacher, that's exactly what I'd do with her in my classroom! Recently, she brought home this award:


While Dave and I are proud of her for doing so well in school, we sure wish that good attitude would extend to the homefront. All the eye rolls, sassy comebacks, and stomping away in a huff are earning her a plain ol' "Attitude Award" at home!

The Crazy Peanut

At a preschool potluck recently, the teachers had made and set out books of the children's work. One in particular caught my eye, "Peanuts With Personality". The title page announced, "our peanuts have feelings" and on each page was a construction paper peanut decorated by the child followed by a declaration by the child on how their peanut was feeling. As I flipped through the book looking for my kids peanut I was struck by how they were all pretty much the same:
Tyler's peanut is happy.
Maya's peanut is happy.
Alex's peanut is happy and shy.
Fiona's peanut is happy.
Andrew's peanut is happy and polite.

And so it went for ten children, until I got to the last page, where I finally reached Alison's peanut.

Alison's peanut is crazy.



I finally decided to start a blog, not because I feel I am witty or clever, but because my three crazy peanuts are. If the past seven years are any indication, I will definitely not have a lack of material to write about. Enjoy!